This is not a Tale. This is a Truth, and as such it will be quite short because I don’t know a lot of facts. But you’d better check on your dog. Especially if you’re away from home. Dogs now have e-mail, texting, and (be very afraid) GPS! If you don’t believe me, reference Exhibit A, above.
Dogs have been gaining on us, cerebrally speaking, despite TV’s effort to raise the intelligence quotient of America with such programming as I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, and The Jerry Springer Show. I mean, if you have to ask your 6-year-old granddaughter how to operate your phone, well…
Newsflash: That ratty little terrier you rescued from the pound? He has another life, and you’re not part of it. His days on death row? The hardscrabble taught him all the tricks. You no more know what plots he’s hatching than you I can scramble an egg. Intercepted e-mails from The Rat included:
- A hit list with the mailman at the top followed by the vet who fixed his waggin’
- Top Ten “green” bathrooms in the community
- Tips on how to turn a pot roast dinner for four into a neighborhood event
What happens at home doesn’t stay at home anymore. Feed Flearoy inferior kibble, you’ll get a knock on the door from the SPCA. They can track you down—find you in the bathroom, at the dog park, without them—and catch you cheating with your girlfriend’s sassy little Shih Tzu.
Be more afraid: Some dogs drink and drive! Yes! I ordered a bottle of Chlorpheniramine from Vet Depot—otherwise known as “exorbitant human nasal passage jammer” at my drugstore. It says right on the Vet Depot label: “Alcohol, sedatives, and tranquilizers may increase drowsiness; be careful when driving a motor vehicle or operating machinery.” Hmmmm…Where is that second set of keys? The thrill of the chase, my eye teeth. They have WooHoo Maps—pinpointing exactly where you escaped to.
I, personally, am not into Pinterest. My dog is a star there. Everyone wants his life. Under username “Devious Dog” he pins his Favorite Entrée: cat; Favorite Toy: Mommy’s pantyhose; Favorite Game: end run around any obstacle in the way of his sister’s dinner. He’s short on narrative, but I can read between the lines. Do I have a problem?
I don’t worry about most influential people’s dogs. Nope, not worried about O’Bama’s Portuguese water dog. Lindsay Lohan’s Yorkie—now he concerns me. Not too smart, but look at the example she sets for him. Her driver’s license has been revoked, but the DMV isn’t onto him yet. I worry about my standard poodle, Louie, who, although I set a fine example for him, is blissfully nonchalant about ignoring any direction I suggest. Armed with e-mail, texting, and GPS…well, in the interest of preserving my retirement, I’ve already started his bail money account.
So, to summarize, if you return home someday to a driveway full of dog toys from Amazon, you’ve been warned.