There was a lot of news in February, what with asteroids and meteorites and all, but focusing on the events most relevant to our existence here on earth, here’s what you need to know about the month that was:
2/3: Beyonce body synchs the Super Bowl half-time show. It’s humanly impossible to look like that within one year of giving birth.
2/7: Dismayed by the dearth of foreclosures, major banks open up home equity loans for all Americans to ensure a steady stream of shadow inventory in the future.
2/8: Acme Tent Company predicts increasing demand and publicly thanks Wells Fargo and Bank of America for the heads up.
2/12: Westminster Dog Show – Portuguese Water Dog, Claircreek Yada, Yada, Yada wins Best of Working Group, establishing that President Obama made the right choice for the cabinet position of Dog.
2/12: State of the Union Address – Similarities noted between John Boehner and the Geico lizard. Geico has the sense to keep its lizard’s forked tongue in his mouth when he’s on TV.
2/13: A trade war erupts between Egypt and the Acme Tent Company to be the number one supplier to America’s tent cities. Angelina Jolie, in her overcapacity as U.N. Goodwill Ambassador to world refugee camps, is delighted to work closer to home.
2/13: “Right this Minute” co-host Beth Troutman (a former congressional candidate from Arizona) notes that her show, regularly featured on ABC, NBC, and CBS, streams “the stories that make us think and make us talk and make us interested.” Like a 50-foot python with human remains in it, a twenty-year-old demonstrating that driving under the influence of marijuana does affect driving, and “The Gummy Bear Song – Long Version.” This program is surpassing the Ellen Degeneres show in many markets. And that’s the truth.
2/14: NBC: Jenna Bush, whose two books rank 299,511 and 635,170 on Amazon’s Best Sellers List, eminently qualifying her for a spot as correspondent on the Today Show, investigates the “Kids’ View of Love” – bringing the same erudite, in-depth understanding to love that her father, George W., brought to national affairs. Quote Jenna: “In a world that is off-ten jaded…no gesture is too small if it comes from the heart.” ABC counters with “Wedding In A Flash”—the proposal, acceptance, and sealing the deal wedding in 30 minutes.
2/15: Passengers on Carnival’s crippled “Triumph” respond to the compensatory offer of a refund, free cruise, and $500 with, “Seriously, you expect us to retire on that?!”
2/16: Republicans score a political home run with their plan for full employment— cut the minimum wage and put two employees on every job. U.S. Senator Al Franken reprises his role on Saturday Night Live, becoming the voice of reason in Congress.
2/17: Interviewed on CBS, Bill Gates is stunned—stunned— that technology is not used more to help the poor. What the poor need is a camera you can talk to: “Siri, how do I take a picture with this thing?”
2/22: On the Fertility Front, Britain’s Queen Elizabeth is up in arms because photos of a round-tummied Kate are published in the press. The Pope, in one of his last official acts, informs her that the Catholic Church has dibs on the Immaculate Conception. And here in the U.S., this season’s “Bachelor,” Sean Lowe, declares himself a “born again virgin.” Prognosticators predict that by the end of the season someone will be a little bit pregnant.
2/25: Recapping sports—Harbaugh, Flacco, Kaepernieke. Those names came up. I haven’t a clue.
2/27: The Sequester – It is my considered opinion that Congress, with no regard for end-of-month deadlines imposed by editors, will punt this decision to next month, next year, next generation. If the world does not end on March 1, I will report the results of that exercise in futility in coming editions of News in a Nutshell.
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