I see Google Glasses in my future. When they make them in rose tint with a hearing aid where the ear buds go. But until then…
10/1: The United States government shuts down. Congress moons the country, providing light to federal employees who would otherwise go without.
10/4: BOOKS: Bill O’Reilly’s Killing Jesus hits the stores. Ghost written by the Man Himself: Bill reveals that each night he was divinely inspired by the Holy Spirit.
10/8: Kanye West, in his own words: “I’m a creative genius and there’s no other way to word it, and I know you’re not supposed to say those things about yourself, but…” And Honey BooBoo is a savant.
10/12: Living well is the best revenge: the Romneys tear down their ocean-front 3,000 square-foot home to build an 11,000 square-foot replacement.
10/16: John McCain’s long-term memory kicks in and he apologizes for unleashing Sarah Palin on the country.
10/18: The United States government reopens for business and the economy soars—something to do with federal employees spending their back pay plus unemployment benefits.
10/20: The following sticking points of Obamacare coverage were resolved:
- Pre-existing conditions such as having been an elected official will be covered.
- Congressmen’s deductibles will be waived for lobotomies.
- Self-medication and Face Time are the preferred methods of treatment for all covered services.
10/22: Apple’s new iPad—soooo thin it fits in your evening bag. Be sure to buy the nose powder app.
10/23: Prince George of Cambridge is christened. Bells peal. Ted Cruz gifts him with Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham.
10/25: The NSA eavesdropping on German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s phone calls? Nahhhh, never happen. Men listen to women?
10/28: SPORTS: Studies reveal that frequent banging of the head during football games enhances memory. How else to explain that thousands of men recall being star athletes in their youth?
10/31: Hair-raising! Terrifying! The countdown to Thanksgiving begins.