Newspaper publishers are hecka worried today. Subscriptions decline faster than that asteroid hurls itself toward earth. This startling fact was brought to my attention recently when I renewed my subscription to The National Enquirer.
And why do I subscribe to The National Enquirer, you ask? Because I, like 7,028,000 other Americans, prefer their version of the news.
For one thing, they don’t use big words, like “non-linear coupling between fitness and complexity,” which even though it is a phrase comprised of small words, when assembled they are undecipherable. Come to think of it, “undecipherable” would be a big word in The Enquirer. The tabloid crafts great prose, using small words such as “busted,” “cheating,” “horror,” so you can get right to the important parts and not waste time reading filler.
Thanks to this trusty periodical, I’m never at a loss for conversation. Even if it’s on a topic that I know nothing about. Such as sports. When a male friend asks what I think of Tivo Rex’s touchdown, I can counter with, “Right, well, Tiger Woods was caught fooling around with his wife.” Stops the sports talk dead. Unless it’s a woman friend, and then we can discuss the hussy’s shoes and cosmetic surgery—knowledgeably.
And politics? I am so politically correct that it’s hard to find anyone who doesn’t agree with me, eventually. Again, “Thank you, Enquirer!” Their non-partisan reporting so thoroughly investigates each party on issues such as sexual orientation, amenability to bribes, history with regard to witchcraft, and paternity of their children, that you can’t say it’s not fair and balanced—just like Fox.
“But,” you ask, “What about local coverage?” They nail that, too. Remember the Spirit Poles in Concord? (Picture a porcupine on steroids.) Full page spread. They put us on the map!
If it’s news you can use, it’s in The Enquirer. But I wish they’d deliver it in a brown wrapper.
clip art credit: http://librarykvpattom.files.wordpress.com/2009/04 …