Hold onto your seat! There will be two lunar eclipses in April and May—plus a full moon by Congress! Here is April’s news in a nutshell:
4/3: ♪♪ Do I See a Trend? Oh, my dear, don’t you see a trend? No toll-takers at the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco; the FAA lays off air traffic controllers; Google uses driverless cars to map the world. So just how important is it to have anyone at the helm?
4/7: FOOD: Saison Restaurant, the most expensive foodie destination in the San Francisco Bay Area, rolls out its blue-wing sea robin with fish bone gelee, topped with fried kelp and herring roe. Just try to make that at home.
4/9: Now you’ve gone and done it, IRS! Taxing free meals at Silicon Valley tech companies? Hunger Game on! To prove a point, Facebook invites IRS in for a carrot stick dual.
4/10: Suze Orman un“likes” the Bible; she got to the tithing part.
4/11: Congress votes to vote on discussion of a vote on discussion of immigration and gun control—proof that Muslims have infiltrated the government; the mountain came to Mohammed.
4/12: Republican National Committee Chairman, Reince Priebus, scolds the party for being insensitive to constituents. Confused conventioneers go door-to-door, registering Hispanics in binders.
4/14: What’s My Line?, the popular TV series of the 1950s, launches its return to TV with opening episode, “Will the Real Anti-Christ Please Stand Up?” Donald “God Particle” Trump hosts the debut.
4/15: 300,000 federal employees take a furlough day, exempting themselves from paying taxes again this year.
4/16: Catholics—one; Gold traders—zero. Gold has its worst two-day drop in 30 years due to algorithms kicking in. Well, duh! Didn’t Catholics abandon the rhythm method years ago?
4/17: The U.S. Senate votes down anti-gun legislation, citing omission of squirt guns from the assault weapons list. Anybody seen Mohammed?
4/20: BREAKING NEWS: There will be weather today. This bulletin brought to you by the National Weather Service, sponsored by the Make-a-Guess Foundation.
4/22: A YouTube video of NRA President Wayne Lapierre jiving to “Mommas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys,” turns up. Lapierre says he was just practicing for Dancing with the Stars.
4/24: SPORTS: Kim Il-Sung. I want nothing to do with basketball.
4/26: The Associated Press reports they’ve been hacked again, and to please disregard the Tweet that there are books in the newly dedicated George W. Bush Library.
4/30: The Sequester… Congress does the Harlem Shakedown. Mitch McConnell was heard to remark, “I could have danced all night.” Can you feel it now?