The Month in Review
Some mornings the news is so overwhelming that I just start with The National Enquirer…it’s too early for a glass of wine.
6/1: British scientists discover that malaria-infected mosquitoes are three times more likely to be drawn to the scent of stinky socks. News you can use — on your teen-aged son.
6/6: He’s baaaaack. Mitt Romney gives advice to the GOP about how to “translate our message in a way that minorities understand.” Just say it louder and more slowly. “And, furthermore, we are too listening!” (Not a direct quote.) Commie Pinko*
6/7: Caltrans assures lawmakers that the new span of the San Francisco Bay Bridge is much safer as compared to a zip line.
6/10: The IRS, responding to the kerfuffle over the $50 million they spent on 220 gatherings, informs Congress that it works out to 34 cents per registered voter. Congress praises their economy of scale, approves the IRS’s continuing ed. budget for 2014, and moves the Treasury Department under IRS jurisdiction.
6/11: Fresh from the bait farms of Alaska, Fox reels Sarah Palin back in to boost summer ratings. Practicing for a belly flop of Olympic proportions, Kris IUsedToBeAKardashian Jenner, invites her new talk show, just “Kris,” into our homes. Get it while it’s fresh; you know what they say about fish and houseguests. (Any association with just “Oprah” or just “Jesus” would be right on the money.)
6/13: the National Security Agency preempts LinkedIn as the go-to place for information on job applicants. Look at the bright side — you’ll never have to update your resume again.
6/15: The Second Coming: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West produce Baby Yeezus. We can only hope the end is near.
6/17: First we’re sequestered, then 14,000 of us a year are rendered dead for Social Security purposes (in addition to the ones who died naturally). The remains of their benefits are sprinkled over various perks for Congress. Commie Pinko*
6/19: Markets react to Bernanke’s positive economic forecast and his hint that the free money will last only until he’s safely out of gun range with a 500-point drop in the Dow.
6/20: Men’s Wearhouse disenfranchises George Zimmer for not going along with the new slogan: You’re gonna like the way you look in a hoodie. He said he couldn’t guarantee it.
6/22: Life imitates art – a new breed: the Selkirk Rex cat, commonly called the poodle cat. In their dreams catnaps! Commie Pinko*
6/23: We can thank Domino’s Pizza drones** (hired by the Food Network) for leaking the news that Paula Dean, umm, said some things while planning her brother, Bubba’s, plantation-style wedding. Paula recanted all the facts that could be remotely interpreted as racially motivated: she had tried to hire white investment bankers as liverymen and said she personally slaved over the stove.
6/26: Addressing the issue of customers’ data ending up in lunchrooms around the world, Verizon CEO states, “Their appetites were insatiable, but perhaps we got our wires crossed.”
6/28: Frankenstein Redux – “The Baby Bachelor,” Jimmy Kimmel’s new parody on “The Bachelor,” is gaining traction in the psychology community. Dr. Phil and Judge Judy have booked the three-year-old for appearances in coming years.
*Shameless appeal to the NSA, DOJ, CIA to follow me (on Facebook).
**It’s a fact! Domino’s is testing drones to deliver pizza.