There was no news this month. History just kept repeating itself. We had weather. We had politics. We still have Jodie Arias… Too bad Prilosec can’t make it all go away. But here are a few variations on the existing themes:
5/1: SPORTS: Joe Montana and Joint Juice team up to create the app, “Throw with Joe,” benefiting the Arthritis Foundation. The player navigates the ball down the field, dodging feedback from the public, team effort, and accountability. Oops… wrong app. That would be the chart-popper on iTunes—The Congressional Record.
5/3: Yelp is being used to rate prisons. Seriously! Zagat adds a new division to serve white collar criminals.
5/6: Fannie Mae revises appraisal guidelines to cope with rapidly rising home values and lack of anything concrete (or wooden) to base valuations on: Appraisers can now use the square root of the property’s parcel number.
5/8: The FCC now mandates the following warning before news broadcasts: More than five minutes of viewing a day can be hazardous to your health. Symptoms may include, but are not limited to, acute nausea, gastrointestinal distress and psychomaniacal urges to murder politicians. Do not mix with alcohol or operate large machinery, such as a Crock Pot, while viewing. If symptoms persist for longer than the program, call a mental health professional.
5/12: A Reader’s Digest poll determined Tom Hanks to be the most trusted person in America, and Tom Cruise to be the least trusted. To do…?
5/15: In his “exit interview” before Congress, outgoing IRS Commissioner, Steven Miller, states that when George Bush appointed him he was told, “We have a voluntary system of paying our taxes.” I have no problem believing this.
5/18: Rumblings from North Korea—Was that a beer burp, or did they just launch another missile into the ocean?
5/20: MUSIC: Taylor Swift (I know, I’m over twenty, too… I don’t get it, but at the risk of appearing obsolete) wins eight of eleven Billboard Music Awards, one for every boyfriend that you must be mistaken if you think this song is about him. Accepting the trophy, she thanked Warren Beatty for his inspiration.
5/21: In a move that proves John McCain has exceeded his useful life, the senator calls upon Apple CEO, Tim Cook, to testify before the Senate Committee on Investigations about Apple’s legal use of “loopholes” and “tax avoidance.” The “How to” video and app will be available at the iWant store shortly.
5/24: What isn’t there to like? Governor Chris Christie meets Snookie, who made New Jersey relevant to a certain sector of society, face-to-face for the first time at the reopening of the Seaside Heights boardwalk. Hanging her head, Snookie laments, “He just doesn’t like us, that’s it.” Will somebody please explain it to her?
5/25: Steven Miller is recalled before Congress to explain why he didn’t recommend Apple’s tax strategies to them.
5/26: TECHNOLOGY: 18- to 24-year-olds flee Facebook in flocks—seeking shelter in new sites which their elders can’t figure out (yet). It’s so uncool to have your parents like anything you do.
5/28: Canada raises the bar for elected representatives: Toronto news headline— Mayor Says He’s Not a Crack Addict. Is this the new reality?
5/30: An independent panel of experts trace the cause of broken bolts in the new span of San Francisco’s Bay Bridge to loose screws in the design team.
Bookmark this page for next month’s installment of “As the World Turns Itself Upside Down.”
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