As I “mature,” I find there’s less and less of me I want to expose to public view. It’s a recurring issue as summer approaches each year. There are remedies: exercise, cosmetic surgery (really—costs $8,000—I heard it on the radio), camouflage. Do you just not want to bother?
I could grouch about the inequity of it all—that a man can exercise once a week for five minutes and have a buff bod. Jane Fonda notwithstanding, it doesn’t work like that for us women.
I will not accept this lying down. No, I’ll sing about it! Bring it on, mean, old, sexist, Father Time! Here is my Ode to Decrepitude (sung to the tune of Blowin’ in the Wind, by Bob “Buff Bod” Dylan):
How many reps does a gal have to do
Before she-ee looks like Michelle?
Yes, and how many pounds do-oo I have to lift,
So my body stops looking like hell?
This hurts—oh my God—how much can I endure?
I think I will just sit a spell.
These triceps, my friend, are blowin’ in the wind
My triceps are blowin’ in the wind.
Yes, and why am I here with these hot little babes?
Suffer-i-ing their long, gawking stares?
What did I sign? Can I cancel it still?
When there’s no guarantee and…who cares?
Oops, was that your foot, oh so sorry, my dear
I guess now they’ll want me to leave.
These triceps, my friend, are blowin’ in the wind
My triceps are blowin’ in the wind.
Yes, and I won’t accept that I’m over the hill
No-o, surely, there must be a pill.
Well, I still have my mind
But perhaps not for long.
The answer, my friend…What was the question?
____________________________
Thanks to my friend, Jeanne-Marie Baker, who remarked to me that her triceps really do “blow in the wind.”
Clip art credit: Themarketplacejournal.com
Yours just blow? Mine flap like giant bats in hurricane. Too funny. Jody, The Medicare Mom.
I just love this! I didn’t think I would ever be at this point and darn it you didn’t make me realize that, yes I am, and I’m not alone!!
Kim, THANK YOU!! This all started when I began looking for results from that magic potion to cure my “crinkles” (on my face…one thing leads to another). I’m going to smash all my mirrors.
HOL, Jody!! I’m sure that if we had hurricanes here in California mine would flap like bats, too!!!
Cathy, this is about the funniest thing I’ve ever read, though I realize there’s plenty of frustration and sadness here, too. You made something funny that isn’t funny — a rare gift. (But a gift you obviously work hard to achieve.)
Dave, THANK YOU!!! OMgosh – and you’ve read EVERYTHING!!! The highest praise! Can’t wait to meet you at NSNC. (I’ll cover up my triceps :)).
I’m laughing through my tears. Long sleeves were invented SPECIFICALLY for blowin’ in the wind triceps. We never, ever thought we would become our grandmothers, dammit.
THANK YOU, Les!! I’ll be covering mine up, but now everyone knows. Oh well, seeing and knowing – two different things!!
Forewarned is forearmed, though forearms aren’t nearly as funny as triceps that blow in the wind. I knew you had something up your sleeve, Cathy. It turned out to be this hilarious song. I’ll never again hear Peter, Paul & Mary sing their version without thinking of yours.
OH, JERRY, THANK YOU!!! Start your granddaughter on triceps exercises now! I wish someone had told me when I was an infant!!
Cathy so, so funny and I sang it all the way through to Glenn who laughed too! How about a song about visceral belly fat to go along with the flapping arms! Usually where there is something flapping it mutates to other parts of the body as well.
Vicki! Next version!!!! HOL!! THANK YOU, Sister!!
Hilarious! Now I can’t get the tune out of my head . . . thanks a lot (not). Loved the title of the piece too – Ode to Decrepitude. Cathy, you really have a gift. Thanks for sharing it.
BLESS YOU, Sister!! And you’ll get credit when Dame Fondue goes live with it!!!!
Cathy, You really nailed it this time. So funny! And, in tune.
Several years ago on the 4th of July a friend raised her arms into the air. As she wiggled and bobbed, she sang, “I’m a grand old hag. I’ve got high-flying flags…” Don’t remember the rest, but it was hilarious.
BTW, Congrats on writing the back cover blurb for The Book of Mom.
THANK YOU, SHARON!!!! What a brave lady that was!! You’ll see me but not my triceps at NSNC! Soooo happy you’re going – we can finally meet!! And CONGRATS to you for being published in The Book of Mom!!
OMG – Ode to Decrepitude!! Gotta love that – where do you come up with these things? You just get funnier all the time. God only knows we need to laugh at all this old crap!
Oh, J.Z. THANK YOU!!! You are so funny, yourself!! We must drink from the same trough!
It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Thank you so much for the laugh. I needed that. 😀