It recently came to my attention as I was pulling together last year’s tax receipts for my accountant (who directed me to Google focus and organize), that there are far more children’s books being written today than books for adults. Numerous celebrities like Madonna and Dolly Parton have written kids’ books because they know what marvelous little profit centers they are—and it’s a less critical audience.
Kids’ books make great gifts, bribes and weapons of mass indoctrination. Crossover/pretender books to the children’s niche, such as Go the F**k to Sleep, and Sh*t My Dad Says, sell quite well, but the ones that pass children’s scrutiny are even more popular because the others are so, well, DARK!
To get to the bottom of this phenomenon, I interviewed Wallace Lowenschlepper, author of the breakout best seller, One Hundred Shades of Black. I have not read this book, but ignorance has never prevented me from rendering an opinion.
Me: Tell me, Ms. Lowenschlepper, how did your fascination with the underbellyoftheworld begin?
Me: OK…Tell me about your book.
Ms. L: It’s about a frustrated vampire who’s into cutting.
Me: And how did you select that topic?
Ms. L: As you know, vampires are under-addressed in today’s media, as is the libido, and who hasn’t had the urge to cut?
Me: Ah, yes. Very timely topics. However, Ms. L., I understand that sales of Peek a Who? and The Big Book of Why are gaining on you.
Ms. L: I don’t believe it. Everyone wants to get down.
Me: Well, in rebuttal to your premise, the National Mental Health Association says that all we need to know about the birds and the bees is contained in an app that teaches one how to make vast sums of money by raising local honey. And that books that promote happiness and well-being in dogs, such as Tales of a Codependent Pet Owner, stimulate the production of endorphins in readers who merely display the book on their coffee tables.*
Ms. L: Money?
Ms. L.’s complexion changes from pallid white to rosy pink. Her eye teeth recede. Her claws retract to buffed, rounded nails.
Me: Have you ever considered mixing genres? Say, something like Winter Attendance in Congress Hikes When Hell Freezes Over, or Wallace Channels Johnny Carson? Why, they’d practically write themselves!
Ms. L. abruptly ends the interview, off to capitalize on my advice. And I pat myself on the back for mitigating darkness in the world of literature.
Artword credit: iClipArt.com