Do you suffer from culinary impairment? I don’t like to cook/bake/grocery shop. I don’t like sticky fingers, messes, or trying to coordinate everything so it’s all done at the same time. It’s nerve wracking. We never have roast beef at our house because MyHusbandTheEngineer and I can’t agree on rare or well done, and if we did I couldn’t get it there.
One of my blog buddies remarked, “For someone who doesn’t like to cook, you sure entertain a lot.” Well, I enjoy the company so I endure. How do I love thee? Count the number of ingredients in the salad I put before you.
“Why don’t you take them out to eat?” she asks.
My Gawd! I could buy three months of frozen entrees for what that would cost – especially the way I tip the help for whom I couldn’t have greater pity. No! I’ll cook.
Over the years, I’ve developed techniques to overcome the squeamishness that certain kitchen functions provoke in me. For instance, I use rubber gloves to squish pie dough and meat loaf. Eggs pose a challenge; I have to get the goobers off the yolks fast — they creep me out. My brother calls them placentas.
“Don’t ever use that word in the same sentence with ‘egg’ again!” I tell him.
“Just think of it as protein,” he says patronizingly.
Well, that’s TMP (too much protein) in my book. More information I don’t need to know. In fact, in cooking, the less you know the better. And that applies to the guests, too.
I believe my aversion to all things food (except eating it) stems from repeated culinary abuse during my childhood. I was raised with three younger brothers and a mother who etched frozen peas on the bottom of every pot we owned. I would bake brownies and my brothers would snicker (as they gorged themselves), “Eeew, who made these?” My mother would tell me I could come home from college if I wouldn’t bake. Once in high school cooking class I mistook salt for sugar and added a half-cup to the applesauce; my partner wouldn’t fake rapture so I got an “F” on the final exam.
And how do I get guests to accept my dinner invitations? I serve really good wine.