Leaves are falling, days getting shorter; it’s coming. Count the weeks … Thanksgiving. Are you exhausted just thinking about it? Does Halloween wear you out? You may delude yourself into thinking it’s fun doing all that work alone, any heretofore visible means of support vanishing with the first “Black Friday” ad supplement in the newspaper. But, honestly, wouldn’t you rather be having a root canal?
Well, toss those holiday cookbooks out! I’ve stopped cooking—Costco does it so much better!
In the spirit of making Thanksgiving as effortless as cooking for an RV club—like mine, which has requested my recipes for tortilla soup (Costco’s powdered in a can), and chili beans (Costco’s commercial size Heinz variety), demonstrating to me that it’s all in the presentation—I offer the following menu for a stress-free holiday. (Serves six; any more should be a progressive dinner, and you do dessert.)
- Purchase a half-dozen, roasted Kirkland/Foster Farms chickens, aka “personal turkeys.” (Costco carries several brands of organic and national brands of genuine, raw turkey, but you’d want to wrestle with a turkey, why?)
- Costco dinner rolls – They slave in a hot kitchen so you don’t have to (36 to a package).
- Harry’s Cranberry Sauce – Costco also sells fresh cranberries, but, really… (two 15 oz. containers).
- Stove Top Stuffing – Shout out to Costco: Seriously, you do need to carry this item. I mean, it’s the only dish on my menu that can’t be purchased at your store, and you know how well items with fewer steps (pour contents of box in boiling water, let stand) sell. Shovel dressing liberally into each bird, leaving some spilling out to simulate expansion during baking (you’ll need three boxes).
- Bourbon yams – Open a #10 (commercial size) can of Bruce’s Yams. Mash, and spike liberally with Jim Beam. (“Everything’s better with bourbon in it” will become your holiday mantra.) Heat at 100 degrees all day so that the scent pervades your home and the aroma of roast turkey is not conspicuous by its absence. (Keep an atomizer filled with bourbon easily accessible to refresh.)
- Vegetable – Costco’s Organic Petite French Green Beans. Though your guests know that you would probably not clean and chop a fresh vegetable, they will credit you for going a cut above domestic green beans.
- Dessert – Does your weight increase in ratio to the number of desserts you make? Costco to the rescue! Get their pumpkin pie (enough to feed an RV club) and Land O’Lakes whipped cream (three 14 oz. cans to a pack).
These items can be purchased in mass quantities, so you may not have to cook again until Christmas. Or, hey! Buy a freezer from Costco online and make enough for Christmas!
Having dispatched your significant other (who unfortunately misplaced his wallet and had to return home) to do the shopping, you are now free to interview Costco’s contractors who will:
- paint the living room a neutral color,
- resod the lawn,
- convert the whelping pen back to a family room so that the friends and family who see you only once a year will think you live like this.
All the time you’ve saved will enable you to get a jump on your Christmas shopping. But share your “tasty little secret” and get everyone a Costco gift card; liberate them, too, from the kitchen!
(Some items not available at all stores; consider it a sign.)