At great personal sacrifice, I bring you the latest sports news. I attended a college that didn’t have sports, whose mascot was the banana slug…which, I’m sure, is how I was able to graduate. To force my brain to understand sports would be like converting a left handed person to a righty, and would result in irreparable psychological damage.
But, I digress…There was a lot of sports news in August, and as your self-appointed arbiter of all news worthy of your attention, I report:
• OJ’s prison sentence was reduced to four years (maybe)
And then there was other news—about the train wreck(s) that is our world:
8/1: Mr. and Mrs. Catalano of Long Island were innocently web searching for pressure cookers and backpacks for their impending RV trip, when the FBI showed up at their door. In her jail cell interview, Mrs. Catalano stated, “I meant to Google ‘crockpots,’ not ‘crackpots,’ and six showed up at my door.”
8/4: France has its collective panties in a bunch! Chefs are using frozen entrees! Mon Dieu! May I recommend Lean Cuisine’s Chicken Parmigiana? Excuse moi, France, but it’s better than those gourmet entrees made from
8/7: The V.A. now serves tea and sympathy to veterans—to fill the 20% gap in medical services due to the sequester.
8/9: Sen. John McCain takes time out from searching for Jimmy Hoffa’s body, the person responsible for running Egypt, and his driver’s license to warn Congress that, criminy!, immigration begins at home—in your kitchen, your garden, your car.
8/12: Prince Charles gets his hand slapped for meeting with British Cabinet ministers, because it might give Brits the impression that he actually
earns his keep is political, and what a precedent that would set! So P.C. has been officially neutered.
8/14: Chinese officials deny that they misrepresented the species of an animal at their zoo. “Read the sign—it says ‘A Frickin’ Lion,’ not ‘African Lion.’” China—home of the cheap knock-offs. Buy American.
8/16: Doin’ the math: Author Danielle Steel says she (and I quote) “did a million rewrites” of the 130 books she’s published. That makes 7,932 rewrites a day. Or, at one a day, it makes her over 2,000 years old. Great fiction.
8/19: Books: Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg hints at a sequel to her wildly successful book, Lean In, by selling $91 million worth of stock in the company. The title, Cashing In, comes to mind.
8/22: When asked to respond to criticism that he never sponsored any legislation while in Congress, Anthony Wiener replied that he:
• Boosted Instagram’s bottom line
• Brought focus to the crippling effects of narcissism
• And I won’t repeat the third thing
8/25: Honey Boo Boo goes to Washington—and blends right in. Lobbying for Obama to pardon her imprisoned dad, the felonious “Sugar Bear,” she presents the White House with a copy of her book, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
8/28: Dogs get a leg up with the new website: www.DogTV.com.
8/30: Just how scary is the new span of the San Francisco Bay Bridge? Governor Jerry Brown passed on the opening ceremony, preferring to attend a reunion with the in-laws in Michigan.
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