It’s approaching—the deafening silence of Congress’s August recess, when they’re officially off duty. Ah, blessed relief.
7/1: As the sequester festers, interest rates on government-backed student loans double to 6.8%. Well, someone has to make up for the banks being charged zero interest. Does not sit well with students—they can do the math.
7/4: When passersby on the street were asked the significance of this date, responses were:
- · It’s a holiday?
- · The fourth, uhhhh, wait, wait, oh, I know this! Oh! Oh! It’s a holiday!
- · Am I on TV?
7/5: Opening day of the America’s Cup trial races. Larry Ellison buys a game and no one wants to play.
7/7: George Clooney and Stacy Keibler (who?) break up. Hope springs eternal sprang.
7/8: Texas Governor, Rick Perry, announces that he will not run for re-election, fueling speculation that he’ll make a bid for President in 2016. His most recent guess at the three branches of government was: Larry, Moe and Curly.
7/10: Elizabeth Hasselbeck leaves The View to cohost Fox and Friends. “It’s hard to find anyone as ‘fair’ and balanced as Elizabeth,” Rupert Murdoch was quoted as saying. (I think.)
7/12: Twinkies are back! With an extended 45-day shelf life! No need for those expensive anti-aging potions anymore—just smear Twinkies on your face and preserve your Twinkle!
7/13: Miss Pennsylvania loses a $5 million appeal in a defamation suit brought by Donald Trump. She couldn’t prove his hair was rigged.
7/15: BOOKS. She repents! Sort of—for foisting all those fattening foods on us in her upcoming cookbook, Paula Deen’s New Testament: 250 Favorite Recipes, All Lightened Up.
7/22: The royal baby is born. Congress sends congratulations and states that Prince George will have to clear the same hurdles as any other alien should he want to immigrate.
7/24: Google gives free WiFi to San Francisco parks. What do you feed a Trojan horse? Data.
7/30: Congress rolls student loan interest rates back to their original 3.4% and pats itself on the back for its magnanimity.
7/31: Anthony Weiner’s fund raising campaign for Mayor of New York is not going well, so he buys 1-900-NOT-SORY for donations—to give contributors something for their money.
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